I just want to be able to express myself

I’m not enlightened but, I am lighter!!!

I have not written or blogged for a couple of days. I feel set back on my goal of post a day. But, Guruji says, I have the habit of projecting my deeply rooted familial conditioning of shame and turning them inward and experiencing and reacting with guilt. An attachment I work endlessly to detach from. She reminds me constantly that thing are as they should be. And in reading Her blog I am reminded of these tendencies and refuse to buy into them. I have learned in Her teachings of rubbing the teachings in my face of my neurotic ways.

Back to acceptance. Have no regrets, like She always says, “start right where you are”. So, here I am starting right where I am. I took a few days to recuperate and also to be of service to my Guru. She has also been on a long journey with other disciples out-of-state. So, in order for Her to rest karma yoga is the only answer on my part. So, I chose this over a few missed blog days. One of my most favorite things in the whole wide world is cooking a great meal for my Guru, and seeing Her enjoy it. Otherwise, She fasts continuously for clarity.

We all have our heroes. We have we admire, we look up to, we envy, like movie stars, football player, rock stars, so-called men of the clothe. My devotion to my Guru has been looked at as if She has taken over my mind or a cult. Why is my devotion to Her any different from those heroes I have mentioned. People have pictures 10′ tall of football players. I think they’re called big heads. People scream and cry when they see their favorite star or rock star. These people are illusions to keep you mesmerized to focus outward. The temporary feelings of elation subside with no sense of peace. Only left with a greater want and lust of what they believe they can not have.

What I feel with my Guru is constant and the sense of peace is undeniable. I wish you can meet and feel this for yourselves. There are so many who are tainted with mistrust, which is understandable in these time we live in. My wish is to give this sense of peace to all who seek peace. I would bet my life on the fact that you would not be disappointed.

This path is not easy. She truly tears your whole world apart. What you believe to be true is not. I know this is going to touch your ego right now. But, from what I have learned if you feel you have to defend your self then you are fighting to stay in your perceptions and not wanting to see the truth so you’ll throw up your guard in ignorance. Not recognizing your denial. I did this for many years. I was so angry because I didn’t want to change. Change is very difficult for most of us. But, like She says, “repetition is the key”. Through Her patience and seeing the potentials in my She took every opportunity to show me my ignorance. And for me to finally see and understand Her teaching is very humbling. I felt like such a smuck.

I know if you are honest with yourself you know when someone is lying to you. You may not address it immediately but you do carry it with you in some way just as when you know the truth is standing right in front of you and you want to run for cover. Why do we do this? Because the truth just as a lie eats at you until you react. We all have free will but, how many of us truly use it for self-realization, self-awareness.

The denial of the truth is what causes dis-ease. Swamiji has taught me and has shown me where I would be if I hadn’t changed. I would have had arthritis, diabetes, colon cancer and due to suppression, anger and denial destroying my gastrointestinal and nervous systems which She reminded me are intricately intertwined ie. psychoneuroimmunology.

I guess it’s good for me to stop and reflect for I have given you a lot of my personal self here but, this is my intent. “I just want to express my self”.

Take care all. I do enjoy our global relationship. May it grow. You certainly would if you met Her.




One Response to “I’m not enlightened but, I am lighter!!!”

  1. First many thanks for following my blog.. and second, loved this post.. Guilt is very hard to shake off.. and we hang onto many things in this life through Ego ..
    I too have been there worn the T-Shirt and at times still have to face myself in the mirror and look at my reflection and pull myself back out of the trickters traps as we allow our negative side get hold of us.. As we can sometimes fall into the woe is me syndrome as I call it.. We all of us at the end of the day are Human.. and Human experience means we travel the emotional rollercoaster ride of self discovery..
    Yes often we become dis- at- ease with ourselves Dis-ease of the mind and this in turn does create we become out of balance with our true natures .. And our energy channels become out of sync..

    Change is never easy.. and always I find it can be quiet painful as we learn to let go of that which we no longer need.. because we find it hard to move into that which is unfamiliar..
    You are on the right road and love your title.. Truthaboveallreligion is so very TRUE..
    Blessings to you. ~Dreamwalker

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